DP – Democrats, still reeling from the 2004 presidential drubbing, have already started to form a strategy for the next election.  It is widely believed in political circles that if the party continues on its present course it will have trouble electing prom queens, let alone dictators of the most powerful nation on earth.  In a rare Democrat strategy meeting the best minds of the Democrat party mulled over future options. 

 “We are kicking around quite a few new out-of-the-box ideas.  We need a fresh start.”  Said Grove Carlson an up and coming Democratic Political strategist.  “We can learn quite a bit from our opponents, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, uh, you are really wicked.  Or something like that.”

 One of the new ideas is to start placing referendums on the ballot that will get out the partisan vote and take voter’s minds off relevant issues.  Much like the Republican strategy with same sex marriage in the 2004 election, the Democrats feel like they can make a real connection to the next electorate.   

A great majority of the Republican support in the 2004 election comes from people with household incomes under $35,000 per year.  This really surprised the Democrats considering that the Republican Party only benefits the wealthy and large corporations.  “We are missing a real opportunity here.  Losers will relate to our message.  They can really connect with our party.” Carlson continued, “We have to get away from relevant issues.  They do not work for us.”

 “The Consensus is that we think marrying animals will be the next big thing.  If the Republicans think gay marriage got out the votes, wait until they see how this baby brings ‘em to the polls.”  Carlson’s eyes lit up as he described the pitch.  “When we roll out anti-Bestiality as a Constitutional amendment the Republicans will be scared out of their wits!  We know their affinity to the animals that shall remain nameless that provides us with wool.  We can freeze them right in their tracks; they will be powerless to stop us.”  Carlson went on, “We think just about everyone in the US will came out to the polls to make their voice heard on this topic.  And while they are there, they might as well vote for our candidate.  How can we lose?” 

But even ironclad strategies such as this must have a back up plan.  The Democrats want to be ready for any eventuality.  “We cannot rely on one plan, there must at least be two.” Said Carlson.  “In 2004 we could not beat a complete, incompetent, inexperienced idiot, in the 2008 election we expect the Republican to at least as accomplished.  We have to be ready for anything.”

 The second plan is really a contingency plan in the event of a second straight Presidential loss an is even more out-of-the–box than the first.  The Democrat back up plan in the case of losing the 2008 presidential election is for the blue states to secede from the Union.  “This idea really floors me.” Gloated Carlson.  “It was my idea from the git-go.”  The Republicans will never see this coming.”

 Looking at huge 2004 electoral vote colored U.S. map on the wall Carlson ponders some physical problems with the idea.  “Of course we need to connect the east and west coasts, so we will really have to work on the in between states to make this idea possible.”

“If we cannot win Indiana and Ohio we think a large scale Ferry steamship line could be built to move goods between Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin.  We might need a few ice breakers, but the idea is workable.” proclaimed Carlson. 

 He sees a special role for Illinois.  “This is the really exciting part of this plan.  No one really wants to live in Illinois anyway so we are going to make them all happy campers.”  The plan in a nutshell is to have all of the Illinois Democrat voters move into settlements in Montana and North Dakota.  These settlements would be funded by various 527 groups who will have a ton of money left over after the election.

 “Of course we will be giving Illinois back the United Southern States, but who will really care?”  Added Carlson.  “The settlements will be strategically placed so we can build walls on either side of the ‘Democrat Alley’ as it will become known.”

 But finally there is the issue of Idaho.  “This is a tough one.” Said Carlson.  “With our current projections there be much resistance to our strategy by the time we get to Idaho.  Of course we do no want to risk a showdown with the Southern US military so we plan to dig a ‘D’unnel (sic.) under Idaho” 

 “If you look at the map, the northern most tip of Idaho is its skinniest part so we would start digging in Washington and Montana and meet somewhere in the middle.”  Carlson added, “Our coast to coast freight route would be complete and as a side benefit we would be creating hundreds of thousands of new jobs building the route and defending the walls.  The stimulation to our new economy would be tremendous!”

 Carlson expects that it would be much easier to elect a Democrat president in the new United Northern United States.  Especially in light of the fact that they intend to keep Ralph Nader in permanent detention.  “In the new United Northern United States we will no longer be the Al Quieda sympathizers.  We intend to pin this label on Ralph and make it stick.”

 Upon learning of the Democrat plans president George Bush was very pleased.  At a 1 PM news conference today the president had this to say.  “I feel very confident my party can win the next election, after all look what they did for me!  I am afraid though we cannot misunderestimate the Democratic Party.  After all our democracy was named after them!  As I told everybody when I was re-elected I would bring our divided nation back together.  I am so happy I am starting to bear fruit.”  At which point the president stopped and stared for about 3 minutes.

 “Sorry.  As I was saying I was thinking that the blue states seceding from the rest of the nation is the best course of action for the terror lovers to take.  They can all be unpatriotic in their own country and we will finally be rid of Michael Moore.  I will stand firm on this soil and I will not waver!  As you know I am resolute at all time except when I stand firm.  This is why you elected me for another term, my firmness.”

 The president concluded with “But I must warn the Northern United States that they may need liberating at some point.  After all Michael Moore will be walking amok with no checks or balances.  He probably will be building or collecting weapons of mass destruction to sell to his Terror allies.”  And added, “Don told me so, so it must be true.”

 The Democrats have opened some eyes with their new strategies.  Only time will tell if they can regain some of the traction they have lost.  But we can all be sure the Republicans will form a competitive strategy of their own.